What never will be

[1stmacleod]

Staying just off the Nexus makes it easier to visit, and Connor is tentatively getting familiar with the place. He's been told by a couple of people that he needs to get a PINpoint, and he's learned to reliably find the free bar. He's met a girl who wants to get some sword training from him, which is something to do, and he hasn't felt the buzz of another immortal since his first time here, and that was Ramirez.

He is almost, just barely, settling in.

Then he answers a casual question, and the woman who asked it starts to tell him about the other Connor MacLeod. The one who still has a good friend and true brother in Duncan. The one who still has Alex. And John. And Rachel. An ageless, immortal Rachel.

Connor staggers back to Kairos' house, with a box of chocolates he's supposed to give to his own Duncan along with the apology he's dreading to make. Over the past five years he's mostly pulled his mind back together. He no longer hallucinates, he has enough presence of mind to walk around in public without attracting stares. He remembers to shave at least every couple of days and shower whenever he gets a chance, and he can carry on normal conversations. He's walking a fragile edge, though.
Now his mind is swirling with the stories he's been told of a big happy family with another Connor MacLeod at the boisterous center of it all, somewhere out there not so far away. It's the most wonderful thing he could possibly dream of to know his family is happy and healthy somewhere, and the most agonizingly painful thing ever to know that it's not his family, and it never will be.
He comes into the house and pets the dogs, and puts the box of chocolates on the dresser in the guest room, and sits on the floor beside the bed with his head in his hands and shakes all over for the next few hours.

Comments

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Mmm. What movie?" There's a mock confused expression. "I got kissed and that's all I remember." She tilts her head. "There's no comparison. Connor MacLeod is real. Flesh and blood." Pause. "In need of a shave, but that's charming within itself."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor rubs his jaw a little with the edge of the hand holding the glass, and takes a gulp. It steadies him the rest of the way, and he sighs, sinking deeper against the couch again. He may need a cold shower tonight, but for now, he's comfortable right here. "Sorry. I shave when I remember to..." He just doesn't remember to very often, anymore. He's also the kind of man who grows a five o-clock shadow by noon, although he's not all that hairy anywhere else.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She chuckles, patting his thigh. "It wasn't a complaint, Connor. I happen to think it's very handsome on you."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"That's good. It's low-maintenance." He smiles a little, although her patting his thigh makes his eyes slide closed for just a moment.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She's trying very hard to be good, but she's failing miserably. Her hand stands there for a moment, massaging in a little. "Mmhm. Suppose it would be."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Mmmnngh." He takes another gulp of whiskey. "Remind me to never introduce you to Duncan..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Mmm. I'd love to meet him, though. It's very apparent that you like him."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I've... known him longer than anybody else in the world. He was my first student. My true brother..." Thinking of Duncan has a sobering effect, though.
"But he's better looking than me. And he's... a people person. And I'm not." They balance each other in many ways, just because they're so different.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Mm. And you think that because he's handsomer and more of an extrovert I'd like him more." It's a legit concern, she guesses, because she's been jealous of her prettier (in her mind) and extrovert sister herself.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Well..." Connor looks sheepish. "He's physically older, too. Stronger. And a chieftain's son..." He'd better stop there, he's starting to sound like Duncan's agent or something.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Kairos is not going to mention she has a thing for older men. "Oh. A chieftain's son, then? I see." And now she's climbing back into his lap, placing the glass on the floor again. "I don't go around kissing men I'm not attracted to." She kisses him again, letting her tongue against his lower lip. "And while I expect this Duncan must be fascinating, he's not as fascinating as the man I'm with right now."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Older as in a little over thirty, but that's a physical peak Connor never reached. Stuck at nineteen, there are some physical limitations he can't break... and his voice still does break, on occasion. He loves Duncan as a brother, but there's a little jealousy there, which he will never, ever admit to Duncan himself.

Her climbing back into his lap is distracting though, and Connor actually blushes a little, moans softly, and kisses back.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"See?" she whispers, pulling away just enough to speak. "Kissing you. Wanted too, even without the scotch." She presses her body against his, squirming a little. She looks like she could break easily, but that tiny little body is pretty solid, and definitely womanly. Her breasts aren't more than a handful, but well formed beneath the t-shirt she wears. She doesn't quite realize what she's doing. He should be able to feel them the way she's moved on him.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He'd actually gotten the idea she might be interested in him before now, because he's not quite as dumb as he looks, but he's been pretending to ignore it until tonight. He's pretty sure, since she keeps sliding into his lap, that she's already noticed he's interested.
Connor's trying to fight it, and she's driving him up the wall, but he also has centuries of practice and control. Connor kisses back, but tries to very gently ease her back to the couch beside him in the process.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Kairos will return to his side, as they'd previously decided on. "Mm. Sorry. Know I said I'd behave." She'd thought it, anyway.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Yeah..." He says hoarsely, resting his head against her shoulder gently, a little breathless. Part of him really doesn't want her to. "Maybe we should... is the movie almost over?" Because going to bed now might be good. Separate beds.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She turns her head towards the TV, and it's the end scene where the two main characters become really good buddies, and the bad guys are disgraced. "Yeah. It's over..." She chews on her lower lip a little. "I'll go ahead and load the dishwasher, then.. crawl in bed and try to sleep some."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Yeah... yeah, we should... sleep." He reaches for the glass, and empties it in one long swallow. He's not sure how much sleeping he'll be doing tonight. Even on a good night he wakes a few times from nightmares. Tonight, he may not even get that far.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Goodnight, Connor." She gets up, leans over, and kisses his forehead. "Sleep well, handsome."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He blushes, very faintly, which is probably a funny thing considering just how old he is. Connor hasn't gotten many compliments in his long life, though, and he's never sure how to take them. "...Goodnight beautiful." He sighs huskily. He'll take the scotch to his room, and he's really tempted to finish off the bottle, but he'll re-cork it instead. Dangerous stuff, that. Clearly.