What never will be

[1stmacleod]

Staying just off the Nexus makes it easier to visit, and Connor is tentatively getting familiar with the place. He's been told by a couple of people that he needs to get a PINpoint, and he's learned to reliably find the free bar. He's met a girl who wants to get some sword training from him, which is something to do, and he hasn't felt the buzz of another immortal since his first time here, and that was Ramirez.

He is almost, just barely, settling in.

Then he answers a casual question, and the woman who asked it starts to tell him about the other Connor MacLeod. The one who still has a good friend and true brother in Duncan. The one who still has Alex. And John. And Rachel. An ageless, immortal Rachel.

Connor staggers back to Kairos' house, with a box of chocolates he's supposed to give to his own Duncan along with the apology he's dreading to make. Over the past five years he's mostly pulled his mind back together. He no longer hallucinates, he has enough presence of mind to walk around in public without attracting stares. He remembers to shave at least every couple of days and shower whenever he gets a chance, and he can carry on normal conversations. He's walking a fragile edge, though.
Now his mind is swirling with the stories he's been told of a big happy family with another Connor MacLeod at the boisterous center of it all, somewhere out there not so far away. It's the most wonderful thing he could possibly dream of to know his family is happy and healthy somewhere, and the most agonizingly painful thing ever to know that it's not his family, and it never will be.
He comes into the house and pets the dogs, and puts the box of chocolates on the dresser in the guest room, and sits on the floor beside the bed with his head in his hands and shakes all over for the next few hours.

Comments

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Eventually, after another minute or two, her kisses will trail down over scruffy beard, then his neck. She likes the prickly feel of it, and she tells him that. It's a little alien but nice at the same time. "Do ..you like that?" she asks softly, fingers skimming over his arms now as her lips press against the hollow of his throat. "I..think you should kiss me again."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor has plenty of scruffy, and it's grown out enough to not be sandpaper-rough, anymore. He moans quietly a few times, and when he does she can feel the vibration through his throat. By now he's collapsed into the couch, breathing as if he's just run a marathon. First he kisses her forehead, because with her at his throat that's all he can reach, but one hand guides her head to tilt up again so her lips meet his, and his kisses are getting very passionate now. When they come up for air again he murmurs breathlessly, "Is this... are you sure?"

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Mmm. Mmmhm." She nods a little, breathless herself. More turned on than she thought she'd be at a few delicious kisses. She climbs up onto his body better, curling her petite frame around his not so petite one. She sits up, balancing carefully, her hands on his upper thighs. She looks him in the eyes. "Yes sir, I am. Promise." She's not going to ask him if he is, because she's pretty sure he's not. That's why she adds, "We can stop, if you're not ready.""

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

His frame is a tall one, but light, and even in perfect health he's got a runner's build. What weight he does have right now is mostly lean muscle. His legs are tense, as is pretty much everything below his waist, but he's trembling still.
"I don't... oh god..." He pants, eyes a little wild, then bends his head until his forehead rests against her collarbone. It's not an especially sensual gesture, but still an intimate one. He needs a moment to think clearly, and the combination of arousal and the goofy antics of Will Ferrel in the background aren't making that easy.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

And then she shifts slightly to wrap her arms around his neck, fingers going into his hair, petting him. "Hey, it's okay. It really is, Connor."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"You're... beautiful, and I'm a mess..." He shakes in her arms, and heaves a sigh. "And I don't want to... dishonor you..." Connor has nothing against one-night stands, he's had plenty, but always with both parties clear that's all it is. She definitely wouldn't be one of those, and the commitment scares him.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She smiles a little. "You're very sweet, Connor. Now see, I think you are beautiful and I'm the mess. Pretty much. Except mine's just a different kind of mess." There's a pause where she kisses the side of his face. "There's no dishonor in this, is there? You're not promising me anything, and I'm not asking you or expecting something."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He tilts his head just enough to look up at her, calming a little, now. "I don't want to do this with you without promising you something more. That's not fair to you. That's not... I don't want it to just be... that, and nothing else..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She can tell he's calming down, and that makes her happy. "Then nothing will happen, and that's okay." She doesn't move quite yet. She doesn't want him to think she's upset.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Not... not tonight?" He strokes her face gently with shaking fingertips, still leaning so that he has to look up at her. "I need... time. But..." He sighs and shuts his eyes. "But I'm not going anywhere. For a while, I don't think."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Not tonight," she agrees, nodding a little, resisting the urge to kiss his fingertips. "And that's good to know, 'cause I'm not going anywhere either."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He gives a hoarse, weak little chuckle. "Of course not. It's your house." His hand traces the side of her face a moment more, up to her hairline and then he runs his fingers through her hair. Long, blonde, and wavy, like Heather's. He's never been picky about these things, but the familiarity of it still strikes a chord. "We... we should..." He sighs, because he really isn't sure how to finish that sentence. He's not all that interested in the movie, now, though.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Her eyes close for a second, and she leans into his hand. "I should get myself off of your lap and perhaps.." she trails off, shrugging. "All of a sudden Blades of Glory really feels too stupid to watch."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"It was a good idea. I... feel better, than I did." He smiles weakly. "Definitely distracted." If she does climb out of his lap, he'd like to still keep an arm around her. Cuddling still sounds good.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Kai will curl right up next to him, then. "Glad I could help." It's not every day that a Will Ferrel movie will end up getting a pretty girl kissed. Or maybe they do - Kairos just doesn't get out that much. "If you're still around at Christmas," and she hopes he is, "we'll have to watch Elf. It's like this modern Christmas movie."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He keeps an arm around her, pulling her close against his side, and lets out a slow breath. The trembling has eased off, but it's still there, very faintly. Christmas. Will he be here that long? If he is, what will that mean?

It takes Connor a very long moment to reply. "I'll watch whatever you want me to..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"...You might be subjected to late night sitcoms," she warns, smiling a little. "I'm a little obsessed with Roseanne. Especially their Halloween episodes." She'd gotten introduced to the American Halloween by Hyou and his family. They have a party every year - oh, she wonders if he'd like to go?

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He shrugs, and looks to his glass on the floor, and wonders if he should drink that before one of the dogs comes along...

"I like National Geographic specials, but I'll watch it... I can't promise I'll like it." He smirks just a little, "But I guess I could distract you if I don't like what's on the TV..."

Connor ignores most holidays unless somebody makes him celebrate them, and he's not a very social person, but she's got a hold on him now and can probably talk him into just about anything.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Kalyca is coming to pick up Dighty tomorrow, so it might be best not to hand over a hung-over King Charles spaniel pup.

"...Distract me how?" Her eyebrows lift to somewhere in the vicinity of her hairline." It'd have to be some pre-tty hardcore distracting to get me to forget about Dan Connor." Who is, by the way, one of the greatest guys ever.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He leans just enough to get his glass, careful not to pull away from her too much, and resettles with his arm close around her, looking a little sheepish over the rim of his glass. "Well, you didn't look like you were paying much attention to the movie a few minutes ago." He's not sure he wants to go past making out, at least until he wraps his head around the idea that it might really be okay to be with somebody again, but he's not bad at kissing... "Do you like this Dan Connor better than Connor MacLeod?" He tilts his head, his eyebrows draw together, and he gives her a soulful look.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Mmm. What movie?" There's a mock confused expression. "I got kissed and that's all I remember." She tilts her head. "There's no comparison. Connor MacLeod is real. Flesh and blood." Pause. "In need of a shave, but that's charming within itself."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor rubs his jaw a little with the edge of the hand holding the glass, and takes a gulp. It steadies him the rest of the way, and he sighs, sinking deeper against the couch again. He may need a cold shower tonight, but for now, he's comfortable right here. "Sorry. I shave when I remember to..." He just doesn't remember to very often, anymore. He's also the kind of man who grows a five o-clock shadow by noon, although he's not all that hairy anywhere else.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She chuckles, patting his thigh. "It wasn't a complaint, Connor. I happen to think it's very handsome on you."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"That's good. It's low-maintenance." He smiles a little, although her patting his thigh makes his eyes slide closed for just a moment.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She's trying very hard to be good, but she's failing miserably. Her hand stands there for a moment, massaging in a little. "Mmhm. Suppose it would be."