((For Jelani))

[1stmacleod]

After his last time in the Nexus, Connor's looking a little worse for wear again. After a brief respite, he's back to sleeping badly. Sometimes he dreams he can see a himself in happy family gatherings, but he's always standing outside the window, in the cold or worse. He usually wakes himself beating his fists against dream-glass.

He really doesn't have anywhere else to go, though, except here and back to his own world. So he lurks. He's found one of the edge places, where Nexus dissolves into a patch of wilderness. So he sits, and gives the crowds a brooding stare, watching from the outside yet again.

Comments

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I'm not running, or hiding..." Connor looks a little wary, and rubs the back of his neck. "A man I made into my enemy... killed my family. One by one. Everyone but him, and he would have been next." His voice has gone hoarse, and he shifts restlessly on his feet, avoiding her gaze. He looks utterly miserable, and deeply guilty.

[jelani.livejournal.com]

So she was right the last time they met. It was his family he'd lost.

She sighs, and lowers her eyes to the ground momentarily. "I can't pretend ta know what that feels like. I ain't ever lost someone like that." She looks up again, and there's a certain amount of steel in those red eyes of hers. "But, Connor, you

are not

responsible fer other people's actions. An' since yer kinsman is still around, I take it that this enemy's been dealt with?" She softens up a bit. "An' - to fall to a cliche here, tho' I think it's a good one - wouldn't yer family want ya to be happy? Grief's a very real thing, an' should be taken seriously. But..."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I might not be responsible for what he did, but I am responsible for making him into an enemy. I killed him. Twice." Connor rubs his face, looking at the ground. "They still died because of their association with me. Immortals lead dangerous lives. I put them at risk. And I... know they wouldn't want me to be unhappy, but it doesn't matter what they would want. I can't be happy. I don't know how anymore. I've got nothing left. I killed him permanently, yes, but before I did, I broke the bond of trust of my friendship with my kinsman. I made him hate me..." Well, he's pretty sure he did, anyway. Certain parties have been urging him to go find out if that's really true.

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"Listen..." She sits down on the ground, legs crossed and with the shinai across her lap.

"You ain't responsible fer their deaths. You didn't pull th' trigger, so ta speak. 'S like this, yer teachin' me how ta fight with a sword. Now if I were ta go an' strike someone down using what ya teach me, would ya then be responsible fer it? Yer givin' me the tools ta do it, right? Well, if we ignore the tools I already got. Or if I went an' got myself killed because of somethin' someone did ta me, would that person then be ta blame? No. Ev'ryone makes their own choices." So sayeth logic, according to Jelani, and she's not even done yet.

"An' the thing 'bout bonds? An' trust? That can be rebuilt. Ya say he hates ya. That means ya matter. Because for people who don't matter, there's no need ta feel much 'bout anythin'. An' hate fer someone who used ta be close? That can be turned. Surprisingly easily, I've come ta notice."

She has even more to say, thought, ideas and opinions whirling around in her head. But let's see if anything of this sparks something first.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He sinks down, looking a little tired again. "If you used my teachings to hurt people who didn't deserve it, yes, I'd feel partly responsible. That's why I talked with you to find out what kind of person you are, first." Connor has some strong ideas about his responsibilities in the world.

The katana lays across his lap, and his fingers run over the carved tsuka. "He was my first student. My best friend. My true brother... I tried to force him to kill me." The real problem is he can't forgive himself.

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"Had this been a couple o' years ago, chances are I could've done just that," she says. looking down at her hands that rests on the shinai. "I ain't th' nicest girl around, hope you've caught on ta that. I've dealt in death. I've killed, sometimes when I didn't have to. But I'm tryin'." She closes her eyes tightly. "This is what I meant when I said things chance, Connor. 'Cause they have to."

Best friend. Brother. Jelani tries to picture that. What if her brother Tom had done something like that? Or further down the line, Julian? "Have ya tried goin' 'round an' let him yell at ya? Or use ya as a punching bag?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"People change. I know... and I'm not a nice man, but I... try to be a good one." He's never quite confident he's succeeding at that, but that's mostly just lack of self confidence.

"Not... not yet..." He means to. Eventually. When he works up the courage. In the meantime every reminder that he should just makes him feel like a coward.

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"So I don't really know ya yet, but I think ya just might be succeedin' with that." She smiles, though it's a bit weak. The topic of discussion has ventured a bit too close to home for the halfbreed's comfort.

She clears her throat, and straightens her posture a bit from the slump she's been in, and pulls her mask of attitude on again. "Ya prob'ly should. Ya might just find out that yer wrong. So don't make me drag ya there kickin' an' screamin'. I would do it, too. People've said I don't know when ta shut up or when ta quit."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor shrugs, because he's not all that worried about it, anymore.

"You don't even know where he lives." It's a defensive answer. "I... need to go apologize. I know I do..."

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"Hey, multiverse bounty-hunter here. I've got my ways o' findin' out." She grins widely, but then softens up a bit. "But by th' sounds o' things, I won't need ta. Just... don't take too long."

((Guh. I'm SURE I replied to this.))

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He rubs his face and nods. "I... probably have already, but..." He needed those five years, though, just to get his head back in order this much.

((It happens!))

[jelani.livejournal.com]

It's not often that Jelani is concerned for someone else, but for some reason she is now. A bit. Maybe it's because Connor is willing to teach her, even though it's early days for that. She frowns a bit, her devil-may-care attitude slipping away.

"I'd tell ya not ta worry too much, but..."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"...Too late?" He smiles very weakly. "I'll have to figure out how to work those PINpoint things well enough to get to Paris. I can't afford an airplane ticket anymore." Because every time he pushes the 'home' button he ends up in the U.S. where he left his car.

He's kind of missed being a teacher, though. Connor tries to keep his distance from people, but he's inclined to get attached, and she's a good student...

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, figure so." He does seem like the worrying kind. "Y'know... if ya need a quick loan, 's no problem. Hell, ya could decide ta charge me fer lessons, an' I wouldn't complain." She's not exactly lacking the funds. "Or I could help ta ta figure out the PINpoint." She'd even offer to tag along to Paris as moral support if she thought he'd accept it.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor's tendency to take life a little too seriously probably helped set him up for the mental fall he's taken. "I... have plenty of money, it's just in his name right now. I'm a missing person." He smiles very weakly, and rests his hands on the katana across his lap. "I know how to use the PINpoint to get where I've been with it, but not where I haven't. The manual is full of warnings and something about a dimension of shrimp." He shrugs. "But I've never charged a student. It's... that's just not how it works."

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"So a loan, then. Sounds like ya can pay me back when ya return." A sudden grin. "I might tack on an interest, though." Yes, she's obviously joking, trying to lighten the mood a little bit. "An' yeah. Beware o' the shrimp dimension. That's a freaky place."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He looks a little surprised. "I wasn't... you don't have to do that..." Although if she doesn't, it gives him a continued excuse to put things off.

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"Connor, I ain't lackin' money. I could afford ta send ya on a trip 'round the world, an' not even demand th' money back. Reason I ain't is outa principle." From the sound of things, he should have done this a long time ago, so let's get him on his way.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I can pay you back. I'd pay you back... I just hope the money you use is the same as on my world..." One hand dances over the carvings on the hilt of his katana. He's nervous about this, and fidgeting.

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"I guess intergalactic credits wouldn't work, but it ain't a problem ta arrange fer US dollars or euros. Ya did say Paris, right?" No, it doesn't look like he's getting out of this.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"He's in Paris. The PINpoint keeps taking me back to my car, and it's... somewhere in Iowa." He's not really sure where, because he was just drifting when he drove there.

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"Okay. So I'll lend ya enough ta get yerself cleaned up and ta get ya over there. You'll pay me back when ya got things straightened out and come back. Sound okay?" She's debating with herself to actually go through with her threat and make him if he refuses.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"...Cleaned up...?" He looks down at himself, threadbare and patched and in need of a shave, but clean. "I'm not that bad, am I? Anyway, I'm staying off the Nexus with... somebody. I can clean up there."

[jelani.livejournal.com]

"As in maybe expand yer wardrobe. An' maybe a trip to the barber. No offense, teach, but yer lookin' a bit worn 'round the edges, there." And really, no offense meant at all.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He shrugs, perfectly sanguine. "I feel worn around the edges. Duncan's seen me worse..." He runs a hand through his hair, though. Connor is the kind of man who walked around needing a shave, in jeans and a t-shirt, even when he was rich.