What never will be

[1stmacleod]

Staying just off the Nexus makes it easier to visit, and Connor is tentatively getting familiar with the place. He's been told by a couple of people that he needs to get a PINpoint, and he's learned to reliably find the free bar. He's met a girl who wants to get some sword training from him, which is something to do, and he hasn't felt the buzz of another immortal since his first time here, and that was Ramirez.

He is almost, just barely, settling in.

Then he answers a casual question, and the woman who asked it starts to tell him about the other Connor MacLeod. The one who still has a good friend and true brother in Duncan. The one who still has Alex. And John. And Rachel. An ageless, immortal Rachel.

Connor staggers back to Kairos' house, with a box of chocolates he's supposed to give to his own Duncan along with the apology he's dreading to make. Over the past five years he's mostly pulled his mind back together. He no longer hallucinates, he has enough presence of mind to walk around in public without attracting stares. He remembers to shave at least every couple of days and shower whenever he gets a chance, and he can carry on normal conversations. He's walking a fragile edge, though.
Now his mind is swirling with the stories he's been told of a big happy family with another Connor MacLeod at the boisterous center of it all, somewhere out there not so far away. It's the most wonderful thing he could possibly dream of to know his family is happy and healthy somewhere, and the most agonizingly painful thing ever to know that it's not his family, and it never will be.
He comes into the house and pets the dogs, and puts the box of chocolates on the dresser in the guest room, and sits on the floor beside the bed with his head in his hands and shakes all over for the next few hours.

Comments

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"I could handle anything you wanted to give me," she says softly, watching him pour.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Are you hitting on me?" He's on the tactless side normally, and now he's tipsy, so it's even worse, but he calmly fills her glass, and then his own, smirking a little.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Do you think I am?" she immediately withdraws into her glass, taking a good sip. "Mm. Almost forgot it burns going down."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Aw, now that's not fair. None of that answering a question with a question crap. I'm not smart enough or sober enough to find my way through that." He looks a little amused, but he's watching her, now.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She snerks. "Alright. So maybe I was. Whatcha think about that?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I think you're beautiful..." He says, a little sober now, "But I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into. And I'm... a little afraid of getting attached, but I guess I already am..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She leans over and rubs his shoulders. "Nothing has to happen if you don't want it to. We're good friends, aren't we? And just because I think you're handsome and you think I'm .. pretty, it doesn't mean anything has to happen."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He leans into the touch and sighs, relaxing. "You're an amazing friend. I wasn't even expecting to make friends. All the old ones are gone..." His eyes close, and he takes a gulp of scotch, and ignores the movie. "Anyway, you are, even objectively. Aren't blondes supposed to have all the fun?"

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She slips her fingers up over his face, not minding the shadow. Kind of tickles, actually. "Thank you. If you're not careful, you're gonna have me thinking I should kiss you." ...that's only partly the alcohol talking.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

His eyes half-close and he looks a little pained, both because he's hungry for contact and because he's not sure if he'd regret it later. "It... oh... I don't know how to answer that..." His voice has gone very hoarse.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Just... don't be sorry." She leans over and pushes the glass to the side for a second, just long enough to press her lips against his, almost chastely.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He breathes in sharply, almost a gasp, and shuts his eyes. His free arm goes around her and he kisses back gently, shaking a little. That was... unexpected. And nice. And the first kiss he's had since his girlfriend was killed fifteen years ago.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She was a little surprised herself, though she's aware that alcohol gives her liquid courage. Her hand goes to his shoulder, gripping in a little, as she kisses him just a little bit longer, eyes closed the entire time.

But she does need to breathe, and she expects he does too. And then her eyes are open, and she's a little flushed and breathless as she pulls away. "...Again?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor's only been tipsy, but his head is swirling now, and he's breathing hard. Only after she's drawn back to catch her breath does he even notice his arm is around her back. "I... oh god..." His eyes open, desperately searching her face, but the answer he really wants, she can't give him. "...Please don't let this end badly..." He's afraid, after what's happened before he met her.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"I can't promise that, but I promise I'm not fragile." she whispers, right up against his cheeks, pressing tiny little kisses to them. "Kiss me, Connor."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He whimpers, very softly, in the back of his throat. The way he was sprawled and she's leaning over him, she's liable to end up in his lap eventually. She's lucky he hasn't dropped his glass and spilled very expensive scotch all over her sofa, really.

His cheek smells like soap and whiskey, and of course he needs a shave again, but he turns his head and gives her his lips instead.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

And her hand comes up to cup his cheek as she kisses him, sweetly, but with a little more passion - she's scared he'll be bolt if she just lets go and kisses him the way she wants. And she does scoot a little closer, but not quite in his lap yet. There's a soft, small sound from her throat as well.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He's trembling a little, partly afraid, partly restraining himself. Connor kisses her more though, with increasing feeling, his hand spread between her shoulder blades and keeping her close.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"I like that so much, Connor. I can taste the scotch, and it's so much nicer than experiencing the burn first hand." She doesn't stop kissing him, except they're shorter, but with no less feeling. Her own hands explore him a little. It's been such a long time since she's been able to touch someone, that's she's a little nervous that she'll do something to make him stop.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He's a little too thin still, but he's been eating better, if erratically, and he's got a student to spar with, and that's all putting him in better health than when she first took him in. There's lean muscle in his shoulders, and he's tense.

After a minute or two of this he edges sideways, just enough to set his glass on the floor beside the bottle. There was still scotch in it, but clearly she's more interesting than drinking. He straightens agin, and puts both arms around her, fingers shaky, but exploring up her back and shoulders, and playing with her hair.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Eventually, after another minute or two, her kisses will trail down over scruffy beard, then his neck. She likes the prickly feel of it, and she tells him that. It's a little alien but nice at the same time. "Do ..you like that?" she asks softly, fingers skimming over his arms now as her lips press against the hollow of his throat. "I..think you should kiss me again."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor has plenty of scruffy, and it's grown out enough to not be sandpaper-rough, anymore. He moans quietly a few times, and when he does she can feel the vibration through his throat. By now he's collapsed into the couch, breathing as if he's just run a marathon. First he kisses her forehead, because with her at his throat that's all he can reach, but one hand guides her head to tilt up again so her lips meet his, and his kisses are getting very passionate now. When they come up for air again he murmurs breathlessly, "Is this... are you sure?"

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Mmm. Mmmhm." She nods a little, breathless herself. More turned on than she thought she'd be at a few delicious kisses. She climbs up onto his body better, curling her petite frame around his not so petite one. She sits up, balancing carefully, her hands on his upper thighs. She looks him in the eyes. "Yes sir, I am. Promise." She's not going to ask him if he is, because she's pretty sure he's not. That's why she adds, "We can stop, if you're not ready.""

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

His frame is a tall one, but light, and even in perfect health he's got a runner's build. What weight he does have right now is mostly lean muscle. His legs are tense, as is pretty much everything below his waist, but he's trembling still.
"I don't... oh god..." He pants, eyes a little wild, then bends his head until his forehead rests against her collarbone. It's not an especially sensual gesture, but still an intimate one. He needs a moment to think clearly, and the combination of arousal and the goofy antics of Will Ferrel in the background aren't making that easy.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

And then she shifts slightly to wrap her arms around his neck, fingers going into his hair, petting him. "Hey, it's okay. It really is, Connor."