What never will be

[1stmacleod]

Staying just off the Nexus makes it easier to visit, and Connor is tentatively getting familiar with the place. He's been told by a couple of people that he needs to get a PINpoint, and he's learned to reliably find the free bar. He's met a girl who wants to get some sword training from him, which is something to do, and he hasn't felt the buzz of another immortal since his first time here, and that was Ramirez.

He is almost, just barely, settling in.

Then he answers a casual question, and the woman who asked it starts to tell him about the other Connor MacLeod. The one who still has a good friend and true brother in Duncan. The one who still has Alex. And John. And Rachel. An ageless, immortal Rachel.

Connor staggers back to Kairos' house, with a box of chocolates he's supposed to give to his own Duncan along with the apology he's dreading to make. Over the past five years he's mostly pulled his mind back together. He no longer hallucinates, he has enough presence of mind to walk around in public without attracting stares. He remembers to shave at least every couple of days and shower whenever he gets a chance, and he can carry on normal conversations. He's walking a fragile edge, though.
Now his mind is swirling with the stories he's been told of a big happy family with another Connor MacLeod at the boisterous center of it all, somewhere out there not so far away. It's the most wonderful thing he could possibly dream of to know his family is happy and healthy somewhere, and the most agonizingly painful thing ever to know that it's not his family, and it never will be.
He comes into the house and pets the dogs, and puts the box of chocolates on the dresser in the guest room, and sits on the floor beside the bed with his head in his hands and shakes all over for the next few hours.

Comments

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I didn't think women had that problem..." Because all women are gorgeous. She's seen the photos, by now. His wife Brenda was... pretty in an average kind of way. Slightly mousy. Probably the kind of woman used to being overlooked for curvy blondes.

He blinks at her, feeling... warned, and sympathetic. This is the most specific Nexus warning he's had, and he understands the pain of being separated from family. "I'm sorry. It sounds awful... Ten years is too long for anybody." Then he gives a slow smile. "So you're really... twenty-nine? Thirty? You are an old lady."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Dunno about other women, but I do. I never had much stock in myself." She shrugs carelessly. "And yeah, guess I am. Twenty-nine. But I don't feel older. But.. yeah, when it comes to the Nexus, be careful of what you eat and do."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Don't be ridiculous, you're gorgeous." He's a good halfway through the bottle now, and less than careful about what he says. "Somebody warned me about that though. The eating in the Nexus. But I drank the scotch there just fine. Wasn't as good as this, though."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She's actually not going to verbalize the, "Wait. You think I'm gorgeous?!" thought that's currently taken up residence in her brain, but instead she tries to concentrate on the Nexus part of his statement. Her flabbergasted look and the blush might clue him in, though. "Mm. I think it depends on where it comes from. There's restaurants and bars and stuff there, and even whole neighborhoods. But I wouldn't just drink and eat food from people I don't know or trust." Just take pictures of herself from a weird camera. "I think that's the difference."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

She may be crediting him with paying more attention than he is. He's busy finishing his current glass. "It... was a bar. In the middle of the question area? Anyway, nothing strange has happened yet. At first I thought I was hallucinating the place, anyway."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Pretty sure that's okay. I tend to stay near the door, maybe bring lunch." She moves a little closer, looking at the glass. "Thought I was a little crazy, too. Crazier.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure I'm crazy, but maybe not as much as I was. Having somebody to talk to all the time helps. A lot. Thank you." He smiles at her, and drains the glass. And reaches for the bottle again reflexively.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"It's nice to have company, yeah." She smiles back, watching the bottle this time. "Can I have more..?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Sure you can handle it?" He smiles, though, and leans over to fill her glass carefully, or at least pour until she yells 'when'.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"I could handle anything you wanted to give me," she says softly, watching him pour.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Are you hitting on me?" He's on the tactless side normally, and now he's tipsy, so it's even worse, but he calmly fills her glass, and then his own, smirking a little.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Do you think I am?" she immediately withdraws into her glass, taking a good sip. "Mm. Almost forgot it burns going down."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Aw, now that's not fair. None of that answering a question with a question crap. I'm not smart enough or sober enough to find my way through that." He looks a little amused, but he's watching her, now.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She snerks. "Alright. So maybe I was. Whatcha think about that?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I think you're beautiful..." He says, a little sober now, "But I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into. And I'm... a little afraid of getting attached, but I guess I already am..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She leans over and rubs his shoulders. "Nothing has to happen if you don't want it to. We're good friends, aren't we? And just because I think you're handsome and you think I'm .. pretty, it doesn't mean anything has to happen."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He leans into the touch and sighs, relaxing. "You're an amazing friend. I wasn't even expecting to make friends. All the old ones are gone..." His eyes close, and he takes a gulp of scotch, and ignores the movie. "Anyway, you are, even objectively. Aren't blondes supposed to have all the fun?"

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She slips her fingers up over his face, not minding the shadow. Kind of tickles, actually. "Thank you. If you're not careful, you're gonna have me thinking I should kiss you." ...that's only partly the alcohol talking.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

His eyes half-close and he looks a little pained, both because he's hungry for contact and because he's not sure if he'd regret it later. "It... oh... I don't know how to answer that..." His voice has gone very hoarse.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Just... don't be sorry." She leans over and pushes the glass to the side for a second, just long enough to press her lips against his, almost chastely.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He breathes in sharply, almost a gasp, and shuts his eyes. His free arm goes around her and he kisses back gently, shaking a little. That was... unexpected. And nice. And the first kiss he's had since his girlfriend was killed fifteen years ago.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She was a little surprised herself, though she's aware that alcohol gives her liquid courage. Her hand goes to his shoulder, gripping in a little, as she kisses him just a little bit longer, eyes closed the entire time.

But she does need to breathe, and she expects he does too. And then her eyes are open, and she's a little flushed and breathless as she pulls away. "...Again?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor's only been tipsy, but his head is swirling now, and he's breathing hard. Only after she's drawn back to catch her breath does he even notice his arm is around her back. "I... oh god..." His eyes open, desperately searching her face, but the answer he really wants, she can't give him. "...Please don't let this end badly..." He's afraid, after what's happened before he met her.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"I can't promise that, but I promise I'm not fragile." she whispers, right up against his cheeks, pressing tiny little kisses to them. "Kiss me, Connor."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He whimpers, very softly, in the back of his throat. The way he was sprawled and she's leaning over him, she's liable to end up in his lap eventually. She's lucky he hasn't dropped his glass and spilled very expensive scotch all over her sofa, really.

His cheek smells like soap and whiskey, and of course he needs a shave again, but he turns his head and gives her his lips instead.