What never will be

[1stmacleod]

Staying just off the Nexus makes it easier to visit, and Connor is tentatively getting familiar with the place. He's been told by a couple of people that he needs to get a PINpoint, and he's learned to reliably find the free bar. He's met a girl who wants to get some sword training from him, which is something to do, and he hasn't felt the buzz of another immortal since his first time here, and that was Ramirez.

He is almost, just barely, settling in.

Then he answers a casual question, and the woman who asked it starts to tell him about the other Connor MacLeod. The one who still has a good friend and true brother in Duncan. The one who still has Alex. And John. And Rachel. An ageless, immortal Rachel.

Connor staggers back to Kairos' house, with a box of chocolates he's supposed to give to his own Duncan along with the apology he's dreading to make. Over the past five years he's mostly pulled his mind back together. He no longer hallucinates, he has enough presence of mind to walk around in public without attracting stares. He remembers to shave at least every couple of days and shower whenever he gets a chance, and he can carry on normal conversations. He's walking a fragile edge, though.
Now his mind is swirling with the stories he's been told of a big happy family with another Connor MacLeod at the boisterous center of it all, somewhere out there not so far away. It's the most wonderful thing he could possibly dream of to know his family is happy and healthy somewhere, and the most agonizingly painful thing ever to know that it's not his family, and it never will be.
He comes into the house and pets the dogs, and puts the box of chocolates on the dresser in the guest room, and sits on the floor beside the bed with his head in his hands and shakes all over for the next few hours.

Comments

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"You trying to make me feel old?" It's a grumble, but there's a hint of a smile as he says it. Hopefully she's learning when not to take his grumbling seriously.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Well, if the shoe fits, mister.." She grins, posing a little. "Not all of us can be hot nineteen year olds forever." Except him apparently!

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"...Hot? I think you have me confused with Duncan..." He's flattered, though, and a little embarrassed. "It's been a long time since I felt nineteen."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Don't know this Duncan, though I guess if he's your family he's gonna be attractive too." There's that grin again. "But I was talkin' about me. And if it wasn't for the Nexus, I wouldn't be nineteen again myself."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Let's just say when I stand next to him, I'm invisible to women." He says it with a smile, but there's a little quiet jealously there. "What do you mean 'again'? How old were you before?"

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

There's a hmph-y sound. "Okay. Kinda felt that way before my sister got married, so I'll give you that." She halfway thinks about getting her glass again or grabbing that bottle from him. "Back in... wow, has it only been February? I lost a friend of mine. Long story." One she doesn't wanna talk about, it's so embarrassing. "I ended up in the Nexus, had an episode, and when I tried to get back home I ended up going into the wrong door in my haze. The door locked, and I couldn't get home. I made some friends, and while Sav was great, I really wanted to get back to my sister. Took ten years to find another doorway. When I got back, I expected to see my sister married, Regina dead of old age, and this place sold. Only two months had passed here. My sister was 19, I was 29. It was.. unexpected." She frowns. A lot. "My sister had kept this place, and when I came here, she .. thought I was an intruder. Turned around, and we both got a shock. Fast forward a little bit, and I was in the Nexus. You'd think I woudn't come near the place anymore, but it's.. fascinating. There was this camera, and I ended up a kid for a couple of days. When it wore off, I was 19, not 29. I guess that something went wrong, but being the same age as my sister again.. it's sort of a miracle."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I didn't think women had that problem..." Because all women are gorgeous. She's seen the photos, by now. His wife Brenda was... pretty in an average kind of way. Slightly mousy. Probably the kind of woman used to being overlooked for curvy blondes.

He blinks at her, feeling... warned, and sympathetic. This is the most specific Nexus warning he's had, and he understands the pain of being separated from family. "I'm sorry. It sounds awful... Ten years is too long for anybody." Then he gives a slow smile. "So you're really... twenty-nine? Thirty? You are an old lady."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Dunno about other women, but I do. I never had much stock in myself." She shrugs carelessly. "And yeah, guess I am. Twenty-nine. But I don't feel older. But.. yeah, when it comes to the Nexus, be careful of what you eat and do."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Don't be ridiculous, you're gorgeous." He's a good halfway through the bottle now, and less than careful about what he says. "Somebody warned me about that though. The eating in the Nexus. But I drank the scotch there just fine. Wasn't as good as this, though."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She's actually not going to verbalize the, "Wait. You think I'm gorgeous?!" thought that's currently taken up residence in her brain, but instead she tries to concentrate on the Nexus part of his statement. Her flabbergasted look and the blush might clue him in, though. "Mm. I think it depends on where it comes from. There's restaurants and bars and stuff there, and even whole neighborhoods. But I wouldn't just drink and eat food from people I don't know or trust." Just take pictures of herself from a weird camera. "I think that's the difference."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

She may be crediting him with paying more attention than he is. He's busy finishing his current glass. "It... was a bar. In the middle of the question area? Anyway, nothing strange has happened yet. At first I thought I was hallucinating the place, anyway."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Pretty sure that's okay. I tend to stay near the door, maybe bring lunch." She moves a little closer, looking at the glass. "Thought I was a little crazy, too. Crazier.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure I'm crazy, but maybe not as much as I was. Having somebody to talk to all the time helps. A lot. Thank you." He smiles at her, and drains the glass. And reaches for the bottle again reflexively.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"It's nice to have company, yeah." She smiles back, watching the bottle this time. "Can I have more..?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Sure you can handle it?" He smiles, though, and leans over to fill her glass carefully, or at least pour until she yells 'when'.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"I could handle anything you wanted to give me," she says softly, watching him pour.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Are you hitting on me?" He's on the tactless side normally, and now he's tipsy, so it's even worse, but he calmly fills her glass, and then his own, smirking a little.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Do you think I am?" she immediately withdraws into her glass, taking a good sip. "Mm. Almost forgot it burns going down."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Aw, now that's not fair. None of that answering a question with a question crap. I'm not smart enough or sober enough to find my way through that." He looks a little amused, but he's watching her, now.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She snerks. "Alright. So maybe I was. Whatcha think about that?"

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"I think you're beautiful..." He says, a little sober now, "But I'm not sure you know what you're getting yourself into. And I'm... a little afraid of getting attached, but I guess I already am..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She leans over and rubs his shoulders. "Nothing has to happen if you don't want it to. We're good friends, aren't we? And just because I think you're handsome and you think I'm .. pretty, it doesn't mean anything has to happen."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He leans into the touch and sighs, relaxing. "You're an amazing friend. I wasn't even expecting to make friends. All the old ones are gone..." His eyes close, and he takes a gulp of scotch, and ignores the movie. "Anyway, you are, even objectively. Aren't blondes supposed to have all the fun?"

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She slips her fingers up over his face, not minding the shadow. Kind of tickles, actually. "Thank you. If you're not careful, you're gonna have me thinking I should kiss you." ...that's only partly the alcohol talking.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

His eyes half-close and he looks a little pained, both because he's hungry for contact and because he's not sure if he'd regret it later. "It... oh... I don't know how to answer that..." His voice has gone very hoarse.