What never will be

[1stmacleod]

Staying just off the Nexus makes it easier to visit, and Connor is tentatively getting familiar with the place. He's been told by a couple of people that he needs to get a PINpoint, and he's learned to reliably find the free bar. He's met a girl who wants to get some sword training from him, which is something to do, and he hasn't felt the buzz of another immortal since his first time here, and that was Ramirez.

He is almost, just barely, settling in.

Then he answers a casual question, and the woman who asked it starts to tell him about the other Connor MacLeod. The one who still has a good friend and true brother in Duncan. The one who still has Alex. And John. And Rachel. An ageless, immortal Rachel.

Connor staggers back to Kairos' house, with a box of chocolates he's supposed to give to his own Duncan along with the apology he's dreading to make. Over the past five years he's mostly pulled his mind back together. He no longer hallucinates, he has enough presence of mind to walk around in public without attracting stares. He remembers to shave at least every couple of days and shower whenever he gets a chance, and he can carry on normal conversations. He's walking a fragile edge, though.
Now his mind is swirling with the stories he's been told of a big happy family with another Connor MacLeod at the boisterous center of it all, somewhere out there not so far away. It's the most wonderful thing he could possibly dream of to know his family is happy and healthy somewhere, and the most agonizingly painful thing ever to know that it's not his family, and it never will be.
He comes into the house and pets the dogs, and puts the box of chocolates on the dresser in the guest room, and sits on the floor beside the bed with his head in his hands and shakes all over for the next few hours.

Comments

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Heh." Connor smiles sadly. "So did she." He stirring up rice now, adding egg and vegetables she's chopped up.
"The antique store was perfect, she worked downstairs and told people what good taste they had until they bought things, and I could just handle the books and the purchasing... she used to say I scared away customers, anyway..."

It's going to be slightly salty rice, because suddenly he's dripping a few tears into it.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Connor." There goes that hand again, rubbing his shoulders and back reassuringly.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He scrubs at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Sorry..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"No, it's okay. I'm allowed to be sad for my friends."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"She was with me longer than anybody else but Duncan. She was only eight when I found her..." The loss of every family member hit hard, but in some ways her death was the worst blow.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She nods. "And no one should have to see their child die."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"...No, but I know I'm not the only person who has." He steps back a little from the cooking to wipe his face with his sleeve.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Of course not. But it doesn't mean you're not allowed to let it affect you. No one better ever tell you otherwise. I'll beat them up." Look at Kairos attempt to be fierce.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

He glances down at her, and chuckles very weakly. "I'll keep that in mind." He sniffs. "I'm okay..." Not really, but he's been worse.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"I'd hug you, but I wouldn't want you to think I'm attempting to take advantage of you when you're not your best."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"Hugs... are okay..." He smiles weakly, and takes a deep, shaky sigh. He's in a better mental state than he was when she came home, but it's going to be a long evening.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

The words aren't even completely out of his mouth before she's got her arms wrapped around Connor's neck, pressing herself tightly against him.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Well that's a little more enthusiastic than he was expecting, and it takes him slightly by surprise, but after a moment of mild awkwardness he gently pats her back.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

Just slightly more enthusiastic than what she usually makes him suffer through. When she realizes that she's being improper, she immediately puts some space between them. "Sorry," she says. "..Guess we should finish dinner, huh."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

Connor's not complaining. He likes hugs, and he's been alone too long.
"Yeah... don't want it to get cold. Thanks..."

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She smiles a little. "okay. I expect you'd like the scotch to go with dinner?" She'll go ahead and set the table. There's ice water as well as two lovely tumblers for the scotch.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"After. That's dessert." He manages a small smile. It's too good a drink not to be savored and appreciated all on its own. "Are you drinking with me?" Because that really meant something, in his time.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

She nods. "Sure. You might end up drinking longer than me, but I'd be honored to."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"That's fine, but... you should at least taste it." There's chicken, and rice with vegetables, and he'd be hard pressed to know what to call the meal, but it'll be good.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"Oh, I will! I'm a little excited to try it." Connor's enthusiasm for it seems to have rubbed off on her.

"It smells so good."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"...It's... expensive stuff." He sits when everything's on the table, but waits for her to serve herself. He's feeling a little better, but this is likely to be one of the nights he doesn't eat much.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

"That doesn't surprise me. My friend and their family is..somewhat ridiculous in their appetites." Kairos takes healthy portions of everything, including the chicken.

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"People like that used to be good business." He shrugs, and takes a reasonable amount of food onto his plate, but picks at it a little.

[kairos-aether.livejournal.com]

There's a big grin. "Yeah. They are. Even with the discounts I give them, I could probably retire on Christmas alone for Casciel's presents."

[1stmacleod.livejournal.com]

"You... make them jewelry?" He's interested in metalworking and crafts in general. She should show him around the studio sometime, just to distract him. Connor prods his food around, and takes a bite.